My Surgery Is In 36 Hours

My mastectomy is in 36 hours.

A bilateral mastectomy with full (right side) axillary lymph node dissection.  And no reconstruction, at least for now.

I'm going to wake up on Friday after the 4-5 hour surgery with no breasts, no lymph nodes under my right arm, and long scars across my chest where my 32DDs used to be.

My body will never be the same.  Ever.  For the rest of my life, I will look and feel different.  Even if I have reconstruction in a year (after I heal from radiation), my body won't look like mine.  Every hug and cuddle from here on out will feel different.  I'm not going to fit in clothes like I used to.

I never considered myself a vain person until this whole cancer thing happened.  I realize now how very vain I am, because I cried when my eyelashes fell out.  I was proud of my eyelashes.  They were thick and long and curly, and I loved them.  Turns out I was vain about them.  And I'm going to miss my breasts.  They fed my children, looked good in and out of clothes, and I liked them.  And after Friday morning, I won't have them anymore.

I'm worried about what I'll see when I look down after surgery, or look in the mirror for the first time when the bandages come off.  I'll be bald (nearly) and breastless, covered with scars, and I'm afraid I won't feel feminine or attractive.

There's a song by Plumb that I've really loved lately, and I repeat the refrain when I need the reminder.  And I've needed the reminder a lot lately.  Here are the lyrics, and a link to the song:

Beautifully Broken by Plumb

Every tear, every doubt
Every time you've fallen down
When you're hurting, feeling shame
When you're numbing all your pain
When you've lost your way
And feel so far away

You're not

You're beautifully broken
And You can be whole again
Even a million scars
Doesn't change whose you are
You're worthy
Beautifully broken

Every fear of being loved
For who you are no matter what
When you're stumbling, with each step
And you're haunted by regret
And the darkness closes in
Just listen

You're beautifully broken
And You can be whole again
Even a million scars
Doesn't change whose you are
You're worthy
Beautifully broken
You're beautifully broken (beautifully broken)
You're beautifully broken

Oh, the God who made the stars
Is the God that made your heart
And He's holding you right now
He can heal the broken parts
And make beauty from the scars, the scars
Beautiful scars!

You're beautifully broken
And You can be whole again
Even a million scars
Doesn't change whose you are
You're worthy
You're beautifully broken
And You can be whole again
Even a million scars
Doesn't change whose you are
You're worthy
You're beautifully broken (You're beautifully broken)
Beautifully broken (You're beautifully broken)
You're beautifully broken

Surgery is in 36 hours.  And that surgery is going to remove the cancer from my body and get me another step closer to being done with all of this.

I can do this.