Holidays When Living With Breast Cancer

Today is Easter.  It has been a good day, filled with our usual traditions - a scavenger hunt for the kids' Easter baskets, an egg hunt in the backyard, a big breakfast and a yummy dinner. 

But breast cancer and chemo have necessitated some changes from previous years.  I had to take several breaks when filling the Easter baskets, because Taxol has left me very, very tired.  Breakfast was a thawed, previously baked pastry because I didn't have the energy/stamina to bake anything fresh, and Jamie made the bacon and eggs.  Dinner is being made mostly by Jamie, and the parts I contributed were done with me seated at the table.  I also had to skip church this morning because my neutrophils last week were at the lowest yet -  1.02 - and I can't risk getting sick.

The biggest change, though, is in my mindset.  It's subtle, but it's definitely there.  It's the faint whisper that there's a chance this could be my last Easter.  My last time to see the kids' excitement over Easter baskets and egg hunts.  My treatment is working - I know that from the ultrasound I had a few weeks ago.  But I also know that cancer is unpredictable and ruthless, and I will be living with this for the rest of my life, whether there is NED (No Evidence of Disease) at the end of this treatment or not.  For the rest of my life, I'll be getting checkups to see if the cancer has metastasized - spread - to other areas of my body.  I'll have to legitimately question every ache and pain in case it's a symptom of the breast cancer spreading to my bones/brain/liver/lungs.

There are so many stories of women who have gone through successful treatment and gone on to live long, healthy lives free of cancer.  And there are equally as many women who have had their cancer return months or years later, and have had their lives cut much too short.

I'm reminding myself every single day of 2 Corinthians 5:7 - "For we walk by faith, not by sight."  Whether this is my last Easter, or just the last one that I'll have to celebrate while undergoing chemo, I know God has a plan for my life.  And he has a plan to take care of Jamie and the kids whether I'm here to try to manage it for him or not.

Please pray that my neutrophils are above 1.0 on Thursday.  If they are, I'll be finishing Taxol Thursday and then hopefully starting AC - the "Red Devil" chemo - the following Thursday.  Here's to killing the cancer and making the most of every moment, month, and year I have left!